Guns’ Guide to Movies: 5 Halloween Movies for People Who Don’t Do Horror

I hate horror movies. I can’t stand them. In fact, I might actually be the most terrified person to ever exist. For reference, I still think Gremlins is scary. Seriously.

Halloween is a tough time for me. Everyone wants to have horror movie marathons and I am just not about that life.

For anyone out there like me, I am here to help. Over the years I’ve become an expert at suggesting movies that still fit the theme, but won’t make me cry. Here are five titles to have in your back pocket as an alternative when someone asks you to watch The Human Centipede with them, because really, what kind of deranged psychopath actually enjoys watching that movie?

1.) Clue (1985)
A True Classic. Starring Tim Curry at his finest, Clue takes elements of a favorite childhood board game and brings them to life in this side-splittingly hilarious satire. This is my go-to Halloween movie. Also my go-to anytime movie.

2.) Hocus Pocus (1993)
Sweet nostalgia. Hocus Pocus is like crack to millennials on Halloween.936full-hocus-pocus-poster It’s sweet, funny, and brings back all your favorite memories of Halloweens past. And Bette Midler’s rendition of “I Put A Spell On You” will definitely be what future generations remember her for more than anything else.

3.) The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
Tim Curry again! This time in his first ever film role as Dr. Frank N. Furter. Rocky Horror has become a cult classic and is best when wearing a costume and yelling at the screen with a theater full of people who are just as crazy as you. Go find a showing of Rocky Horror to go to if you can. Everyone should experience one at some point in their lives.

4.) Kill Me Now (2013)
This one’s a bit obscure. As far as I know, the only way to watch this movie is through iTunes or Amazon instant. It is 100% worth it. The film’s writer and star, Michael Swaim, is, in my opinion, one of the funniest content creators on the internet. You might recognize Beck Bennet and Kyle Mooney who, since appearing in this film, have landed spots on SNL. This horror parody has a razor sharp wit that keeps you entertained from beginning to end.

5.) Halloweentown (1998)
No self respecting person can get through Halloween without watching Halloweentown at least once. Halloweentown 2: Kalabar’s Revenge and Halloweentown High are not required, but highly recommended. Forget about Return to Halloweentown though. They totally replaced the actress who played Marnie and thought no one would notice. Not cool.